Supporting Your Teens as They Head Back to School: Routines, Rules, and Independence

Whenever I chat with someone that has toddlers, they say “It must be so easy now that your kids are older.” And I just laugh to myself because no one can really prepare you for what happens when your kids are teens. I have great teenagers, but it’s still draining. It’s like this balance between giving them independence and still treating them like toddlers! They need you, but you start to lose control. They want to drive and make their own decisions, but they still need snuggles and hugs and this usually happens when you want to go to bed! Haha! Needless to say, going back to school looks different with teens!

We approach back to school very differently with teenagers than we did with a kindergartner. Here are some tips I have, things we do, and ways we try to stay connected. I think that’s my biggest piece of advice to raising teens (although I’m not done yet), you have to stay connected to them. They have to want to come to you first with all the problems! Easier said than done, but this is what we strive for in our home.

1. Establishing Routines for a Smooth Transition

Morning Routine: I let my kids choose their own morning routines and wake-up times. I’m just there to make sure it all happens, but I think when they make the choices, it goes much smoother. If they want to eat quickly on the couch and look at their phone, I just let it happen. I also get up before they do, I think this is my personal tip for making things go smoothly!

Homework Time: Again, I let my kids decide when they start homework. I do make them sit at an actual table and at least get started before dinner. I don’t let them stay up in the night doing work. My kids are busy, so we have lots of discussions about what is coming up and I usually just ask, “What is your plan to get this done?’. I find this allows them to think about it and choose how they work and I’m not the one making the decisions. If there is something that can wait, my kids do catch up on Sundays.

Family Check-In: We ‘try’ to have dinner together every night and just talk about the day. I make sure we are sitting at the table, no phones, and just take our time. They are busy though, so sometimes our check-ins happen before bed or in the car. I try to have dinner ready early during the school year. I know this isn’t possible for everyone but it really helps us have time to chat.

2. Realistic Family Rules to Stay Connected

Technology Boundaries: Set limits on screen time, especially during school nights. Encourage unplugged family time, whether it’s during meals or a designated evening each week. My kids turn off their phones at 9 during the school year and they get plugged in downstairs. Our rule is that as long as everything is going well socially and grades-wise, we let them do what they need to do. I also pay for the phones, so I reserve the right to check in and remove anything that I find isn’t helping them. My kids only have Instagram and I control their apps. This works for us now, but may change as my son gets older.

Curfew with Flexibility: Establish a curfew that balances safety and social life. Allow some flexibility on weekends or special occasions, showing your teen that you trust their judgment. This isn’t such an issue for us yet, as we don’t have a driver, but I think it’s good to let my kids do the things they want within reason. If they are safe, I don’t see why I would say no to any social events.

Open Communication: Make it clear that your teen can come to you with any concerns. Encourage open and honest communication, and be sure to listen without judgment. This is hard and took my a lot of practice and I still make mistakes often, haha. But if you’re looking for a book that’s very helpful with this, check out, “How to talk so your teens will listen, and listen so your teens will talk.” It’s a quick read and helped me have the right frame of mind.

3. Prioritizing Sleep for Success

Set a Bedtime Routine: For us, it’s phones away at 9:00 and we all go up to bed together. We hang out, read, chat, etc. before going to sleep. I still tuck my teenagers in at night and they still like it! I find this is another way to connect and hear what’s going on. This is the time of day I get the most information about their day too!

Create a Relaxing Sleep Environment: Ensure your teen’s bedroom is conducive to sleep. This might include blackout curtains, a comfortable mattress, and keeping the room cool and quiet. Both my kids have blackout shades and they don’t have any form of technology in their rooms.

4. Managing Anxiety

Normalize Anxiety: Talk to your teen about anxiety, letting them know it’s a common experience. Encourage them to share their feelings and remind them that it’s okay to seek help if they need it. My son has struggled a lot with anxiety and we still help him deal with this. My most used phrase when he says he is anxious is, “That’s ok, that’s normal.” Mental health is a huge topic in our home that we talk about often. We don’t wait until things are stressful to talk about it!

Encourage Balance: Help your teen find a balance between schoolwork, social life, and downtime. Encourage them to pursue hobbies or activities that bring them joy and relaxation. It’s ok to say no to something to protect their mental health! I also try to model this for my kids. I could do lots of work on the weekends, but I will make a point to relax and ask them to join me.

5. Fostering Independence

Give Them Responsibility: Allow your teen to take on more responsibilities, such as managing their own schedule or making decisions about extracurricular activities. This helps them build confidence and life skills. My kids clean the bathrooms in our house and also do their own laundry.

Respect Their Privacy: While it’s important to stay involved in your teen’s life, it’s equally important to respect their privacy. Trust them to handle certain aspects of their life on their own, and be there to offer guidance when needed. Again, this is when I say, ‘What is your plan for homework, that test you have, etc.” Instead of jumping in, I just remind them that they need a plan.

Support Their Decisions: Even if you don’t always agree with their choices, supporting your teen’s decisions helps them feel valued and trusted. It’s a key part of helping them grow into independent adults. For example, my son stopped playing guitar after 5 years of lessons, performances, and many different kinds of guitars. It was harder for me than for him. He’s now playing drums and very happy. That was a definite mom-win, but it was hard! haha!

Of course, I have made lots of mistakes along the way and continue to learn what works best for my kids. Do you have teens yet? What would you add to this list, I’d love to know!

XO

Sarah